Change of scenery

Nope, I haven't stopped blogging. You can find my new home at

http://lawls.vox.com/

Yeah I know...

The other day I came to the realization that one of the main reasons why my blogging ventures fail is that I'm too much of an indifferent and lost person at times.
Here are some problems that I realized need work:


1)Making plans with people: During high school, I was always the one who planned things out. Whether it was hanging out, organizing functions for clubs, or contriving large scale excursions, I was one to incite and act. But one thing I realized that has changed about me is that I am just too damn lazy to do things in college. Whether it is calling up a friend whom I haven't seen in ages in order to catch up or simply returning a person's phone call, my head seems elsewhere. If It ever seems that I am just ignoring you or shrugging you off my shoulders, chances are I did not mean to do it. This is something I need to work on.

2) Sense of direction: A couple days ago, my cousin and I got into a heated debate about Ron Paul and his policies. No, this wasn't a substantial debate between two clashing ideals. It was more of a debate between my apathy and his interest of politics and Ron Paul. Somewhere along the lines of our yelling, he asked what was the point of going to college if I didn't have any opinions or firm resolutions. This struck some kind of string inside me. The remark certainly angered me but at the same time I couldn't give him a decent reply. A lot of people talk about finding themselves in college and here I am in the second semester of my second year doing things that don't seem to clearly define who I am and what I stand for.

3) Future plans: Freshman year was great. I was driven, motivated, and intent on pursuing a career as a surgeon. Things have changed since then. Instead of focusing only on things that may affect my future career in the medical field, I've been partaking in different things that interest me to a certain point but that's it- they're not enough to extend to a higher level of interest that will keep me happy in the future. And if you know me, i'm sure that you've heard me talk about changing my major at least once or twice this year.

I guess the point to consider right now is whether or not i'm genuinely interested in something. There's usually nothing that's attached to the mentioning of my name. While some people may have titles like "oh! the basketball player," or "ah, she's really interested in nutrition," I figured that the response to my name is something along the lines of "Oh...who?" At this point, I don't think I've found my calling or forte- and it's starting to worry me. Maybe I shouldn't, but it's definitely caught my attention.

A little break from paper writing..

Okay, so it's not really a break.
Writing this post is just one of the many distractions that I've been conjuring up so far this weekend in order to avoid writing this horrid paper. Seriously, instead of starting it yesterday, I decided to drive to the mall to buy Guitar Hero III and then proceeded onto playing a round of Laser Tag with AED. Talk about failing my upcoming finals =/.

Everything has been fine recently. Thanksgiving break was the most enjoyable four days of the semester so far. Mainly because I stayed in bed the entire time. The only times I felt compelled to actually get myself out of bed were to use the restroom, eat ridiculous amounts of food, and play football in 30 degree freezing weather.

That's all for now. Back to paper writing.




P.S. If you're one of those jackasses who like to smoke RIGHT NEXT to a track where people are trying to run, please be more considerate. I'd hate to put out the cigarette that you threw onto the track right in your eye. Fucker.

Hi. Still here :)

Clarity.

Now that's a comforting word.

Lately it has been getting harder and harder to experience a single ounce of it. Not even when i'm singing to myself in the shower. Even as I am typing this entry, there are countless thoughts and ideas flying through my mind, bouncing off the walls of my skull, colliding with each other, exploding, reforming and very seldom harmonizing.

It's not very often that I get to take a break and experience a single second of clarity. The idea of just laying myself down, closing my eyes, and picturing nothing in my mind seems to be a privilege nowadays compared to everything else that has been happening.

Sometimes I believe that there are two people who exist inside me. Whenever i'm lost in my own thoughts and preoccupied with personal contemplation, my body is doing something else and is actually getting my work done for me. I can spend countless hours writing and finishing a lab report but still feel as if I haven't started it. There's only one explanation for this: my body's moving way too fast for my mind to handle.

It's a weird concept, right? But it's still interesting.

I guess that's why I still have an affinity for Philosophy despite the verbal beatings that everyone receives courtesy of Thomas K. Seung. That's also probably why i'm considering Law (laugh it up, i'm so punny) school as an alternative to my once linear Med School path. Recently I made a trip home to Trouble-town and had an early birthday celebration with my parents. During our dinner, I broke the news that I may not want to become a doctor after all. Needless to say, they had the same reactions that any stereotypical Asian parents would have. Even though they were hesitant,however, they told me that they'd support me (probably because I mentioned patent law) no matter what I did. It's always nice to get reassurance from people closest to you.

Maybe I'll do both medicine and law. Dr. Law sounds fucking awesome.

Goodnight.

I really should update this more often.

Hacked.

Pour some burn sauce on that wound. Double whammy.

-Hui

Reassurance

When I wake up every morning there's an inexplicable feeling in my gut that reflects my mood for the day. And it's usually terrible.

Uncertainty.
The word alone just looks disgusting and sounds discordant whenever I see or hear it.

I fear going to bed at night. Mainly because I'm never able to fall asleep comfortably. Even though I close my eyes while laying down, I'm still awake for countless hours just thinking about random crap. I probably shouldn't call it random crap... It's what I want to do with the rest of my life.

I really do miss freshman year. Not because of its light workload, the ridiculous amount of free time I had, or the joy of adjusting a wonderful city like Austin. I miss it because I knew precisely what I wanted to do and how I wanted to get there. And just recently this year, I've been waking up with the feeling that maybe the plan that I was so deeply vested in is not what I really want to do. But at this point, everything is almost solidified.

I would feel shitty taking a sledgehammer to it.

Thank you Eric Hui

Barring the previous post that Mr. Hui decided to write for me, here is how things are going on my end:

This past week has been a vacation compared to the one before. There hasn't been very much excessive late-night studying, tea consumption, or calls to Jimmy John's compared to the weeks before.

And apparently I resemble a panda when I don't get a good night's sleep.

I'm looking forward to this upcoming week even though it's only a repeat of the hellish one before. I finally get to pick up my car from the shop and drive after a 3 week hiatus, I get to continue training for marathons, and I get to go to a MCS/MAE concert in the middle of the week--aside from the fact that I have two tests the day before and day after the concert.

More crap to follow later